September 30, 2007
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What psychoanalysis has taught me
My mind knows how to take care of itself. That’s not the problem. The problem is that I resist when it tries to take care of itself.
Ben’s death is more than I can handle. It’s more than any of us can handle. So we get a little closer to acknowledging it and expressing our feelings, and then we have to back away. That’s OK. It is of life-changing significance to us, so it will come up in our thoughts and in our conversations again and again. We do not have to accept or even acknowledge the fullness of this terrible event any time soon. Like Timothy said, if we did acknowledge it totally right now, our brains would implode. That’s OK. I think that is how we were created.
So that’s how I aim to carry on. If I have a feeling, I experience it. If it grows uncomfortable, I put it on the shelf until it naturally comes up again. If I have something to express, I try to allow myself to express it without shame, even if I don’t know if it makes sense or makes me look stupid. If I can’t express it, I don’t force myself to try.
I guess what I’m saying is that my hope for all of us is that we don’t view Ben’s death as something we have to “work” through. We will get through it, but there’s no way to speed up that process. It’s not suppression to stop thinking about something when you can’t deal with it. It’s not bottling up feelings to experience only the feelings you’re capable of experiencing. It’s not insensitive to confront only what you can confront. I don’t think it is good to push or to resist. I don’t force myself to “deal with it,” because ultimately I have no choice but to deal with it. I will get through it as long as I don’t resist feelings and thoughts as they crop up. Let’s not force ourselves to cry, and let’s not feel ashamed when we need to cry.
I feel silly writing this, when I could write about Ben and how I miss him. I feel compelled to, though, so I’m not resisting. I hope for each of you that you do what you must, but that you do not feel like you must do anything. If you feel compelled to do something that will comfort others, do not feel ashamed to do it. On the other hand, don’t “should” yourself into doing something to comfort others. Just listen and receive openly, and express and give in the same spirit.
I think I mostly want to say, to all my friends, that you can say or express anything to me. Or you can say or express nothing. You don’t have to “find the right words,” and you don’t have to find any words at all. You don’t have to do anything for me, but if it makes you feel better to do things for people like me, I want to accept graciously. I’m sure you expect no more or less from me, and that is what makes each of you such special and wonderful friends, and what made each of you such special and wonderful friends to Ben.
Comments (4)
hey. thanks. and thanks for the comment you left me. that’s all.
Reading through everyone’s posts it’s struck me how pretentious philosophy & theology both are… because at times like these, when we simply can’t understand why, they both fail us. Utterly & totally.
Thanks, Daniel. Thanks for just giving me the gift of your voice on the phone the other night, even when there were obviously no words to say. I needed that more than anything. I love you. I will see you soon.
I also want to thank you very much Daniel. Thank you for this post. Thank you for everything. You know, by writing this post you wrote about Ben. It wasn’t silly, and I think I personally needed it. I know you won’t get this for a few days, but thank you also for planning the trip to the lake.